Another week, another batch of the funniest tweets collected for your viewing pleasure. Give them a read, and remember to follow these fine folks on Twitter. They’re not just putting their hilarious thoughts out there for their health, after all. Plus, if you’re just going to wind up repeating these jokes to your friends and passing them off as your own, the least you can do is throw a little admiration their way. It’s only fair.
Follow @Mandatory on Twitter.
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
— Abbie (@AbbieEvansXO) July 19, 2018
A fence can’t stop my two-year-old from playing with his new best friend. pic.twitter.com/9QBuaq4Ee2
— Chad Nelson (@CMNelsonPhoto) July 18, 2018
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie: There are 4 rules
— Kyle (@KylePlantEmoji) May 18, 2018
Rollercoaster operator: Are you secure?
Me: Not really, I spend hours thinking about when I try to sound cool but it always go wrong
Rollercoaster operator: I mean are you secure in the seat?
Me: Fo’ shizzle
— Jon (@ArfMeasures) July 11, 2018
I feel so called out by this. pic.twitter.com/WtDF1X5bMh
— Dash Graci (@dreadpiratedash) July 10, 2018
Almost left the grocery store without buying a bag of spring mix to throw, unopened, into the garbage in two weeks
— leo dominguez (@oledominguez) July 9, 2018
Not if you want to keep them. https://t.co/VMkClWuyPg
— James Blunt (@JamesBlunt) July 16, 2018
Some people are so beautiful that it looks like God used the character customization screen for 5 hours but when it came to me he pressed X to randomize.
— Tolga (@wordmagicianjam) June 29, 2018
given my understanding of linear time, I’m fascinated to hear what the alternative is https://t.co/HqVfo9wsBS
— Crunchberry (@commieberry) July 1, 2018
i called the cops on my own party last night because i was ready to go to bed welcome to 22
— jaymie danyelle (@itsjustJayKay) July 8, 2018
Why do I real life look like CJ from San Andreas pic.twitter.com/MbgnA8Tmey
— Carl Johnson (@deejinsui) July 12, 2018
Me at 10yo: I want to be the best at everything
Me at 25yo: I want to be the best at one thing
Me at 35yo: I just want to be not shit at something, just anything please
— Raphael Kahan (@RaphaelKahan) July 5, 2018
I went to the post office today & had this moment where I was like wow man the post office is conceptually amazing. You put something in an envelope, lick a sticker, hand it to someone, and they literally bring it anywhere in the world. That’s wild! Shout out to the post office.
— Clint Smith (@ClintSmithIII) July 14, 2018
guys: i wish more women liked sports
us: hey i like baseball
guys: oH tHeN wHo WaS pItChInG fOr ThE rEd SoX oN jUnE 23rd 1972
— allison (@wilmerrrflores) July 16, 2018
Your porn name is your mothers first name
Your mothers last name
Because your mom is a whore
— BeeEnDoubleYou (@Brinettieee) July 8, 2018
When you see a fight break out at the Walmart. pic.twitter.com/pXU64oRwEx
— (@NombreEsJustin) July 18, 2018
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good one
Mouth: Haven gice done
— Cam u not? (@cman525) July 17, 2018
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
— Wanda Maximoff (@scarletwitchwc1) July 17, 2018
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
— Ediotic (@eddie_ferrero) May 14, 2018
changed the laugh track in friends to seth rogen pic.twitter.com/OEDfoeETeB
— rory strahan-mauk (@rorystrahanmauk) July 13, 2018