Eddie Cochran once said that “there ain’t no cure for the summertime blues.” With all due respect to the legend, we have to disagree. There is a cure for the summertime blues, and its name is Dairy Queen. While its trademark Blizzard is definitely the peak ice cream eating experience, the soft serve maker also offers a summer treats menu. In honor of National Ice Cream Month, we’ve taken the liberty to rank each item on that enticing menu. It was a hard job, but somebody had to do it.
Why do they keep trying to make this a thing? Cotton candy ice cream has been trying to establish itself among the big boys for years, but it just can’t happen. Much like its older cousin, bubblegum ice cream, just because something sounds good to a 3-year-old doesn’t mean it should come to fruition. Cotton candy itself is a confusing treat, so the last thing we want to do is put it in ice cream.
Some berries can be an ice cream flavor. OK, maybe only one berry and that’s strawberry. The rest of the berries need to stay in your vegan soy milk smoothie. Coincidentally, that’s exactly what this Blizzard tastes like.
It sounded good in theory. People love DQ cones almost as much as they love Blizzards. People also love Dreamsicles. Unfortunately, this was not akin to the story of peanut butter meeting chocolate. It was more like orange sorbet meeting broken dreams.
Why? Why would they do this? CakeBerry? Why would they even….*tries it*…it’s not bad.
You’re killin’ us, Smalls. First, you take the graham. You stick the chocolate on the graham. Then, you roast the ‘mallow. When the mallow’s flaming, you stick it on the chocolate. Then, you cover it with the other end. Then, you crumble it all up and put it in ice cream. Then, you stuff.
This is like the aforementioned S’mores Blizzard, but in sundae form and with more brownie, less graham. We didn’t think we would like marshmallow in our Blizzard treat, but it has a surprisingly mellow taste that compliments the ice cream and chocolate perfectly. It is a treat for one’s palate.
Caramel tries hard to usurp chocolate syrup as the go-to topping for ice cream. It hasn’t topped the charts yet but, if the Caramel Cannonball Blizzard is any indication, it is well on its way. With caramel flavored ice cream and bits of caramel topping, this is like those Werther’s Original candies your grandma used to give you, but on steroids. It’s both nostalgic and fattening, which is our favorite combo.
Our second favorite combo is cake and ice cream. It was the only reason we went to birthday parties for the weird kid in school. Dobbie never blinked, but at least his mom bought the expensive cake. Luckily, thanks to the Chocolate Cake Shake, we’ll never have to pretend to be friends with somebody ever again.
While we typically favor chocolate ice cream over anything, but there’s just something about a strawberry shake that feels more “summery,” you know? Maybe it’s the freshness of strawberries or the fact that it feels healthier when we eat it. No matter the reason, the Strawberry Cake Shake narrowly outranks the chocolate variety, but both are perfect summer treats after a day spent at the public pool.
Who stole the cookies from the cookie jar? Mama stole the cookies from the cookie jar. Then, Dairy Queen stole them back, put them in a blizzard, and fulfilled an ancient prophecy of deliciousness that has yet to be rivaled.
It’s been universally agreed upon that Ben & Jerry’s Half Baked ice cream is the best, right? We can all agree on that? Good! Because DQ just turned it into a Blizzard and our lives will never be the same again.
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