Sorry, men, but time’s up. Pickable is the new app that’s finally putting women in the driver’s seat on the road to dating redemption. By putting the girls in charge for a change and removing the need for their photos and personal information to go on a first date, ladies can finally enjoy the shoe on the other foot as much as they enjoy shoes in general. (But really, you look great in those shoes.)
That’s right, men had their chance and now women get to put on the daddy pants. The only catch is, if women are planning to be in charge, there are a few things they’re going to need to get used to when it comes to dating.
Let’s have a look at a few classic first date moments women might have to pick up the slack on. Mostly these are all ridiculous ideas we would wish on anyone, but you’ll laugh at how spot on this is anyway.
It’s hard to know how much cheese is too much cheese. As a general rule of thumb, men have always preferred using the oldest, stinkiest cheese they can find. Rummage through the trash or a nearby dumpster for the best finds. Finding cheesy lines on your phone is just as fun as Pinterest and just as pointless.
Ladies, the key to a good date lie is adding so many details that eventually we men quit paying attention after the third or fourth word. If you put a basket of free bread in front of us, you could probably confess to murdering our cat and get away clean. As long as you put yourself in harm’s way at some point, you should be just fine. Chances are we have no idea what time it is anyway, just happened to stumble into the right building at the right moment.
The only thing better would be if you stared at our chests while on your cell phone with your ex-boyfriend as you try to patch things up. Hop off the phone just long enough to consult with us about where that relationship went wrong then call him back once you’ve articulated your grievances properly to us. Resume staring at our chest until we look to see if we missed a button.
You say you like hiking, but you never go. In fact, walking is totally out of the question if there’s a motorized ride-share scooter within a mile. You’ll take a Lyft to it before you’d ever walk. Hell, you’d die before you walked. But yeah, love hiking!
When we ask you what your parents do for a living, clearly that’s an opening to tell us how your mom and dad have dedicated their lives to ruining yours. Like last Thanksgiving when your mother quit taking her Librium just to spice things up and ended up setting your father’s favorite chair on fire while he was sitting in it. That’s a good icebreaker story.
There’s nothing that reinforces your point that you’re a serial monogamist more than rambling about it while checking out other dudes. Don’t bother with the peripheral vision if the view is good enough. We find that to be a missed opportunity.
Just pretend you’re fixing your glasses. Maybe snap a few photos with your phone (in between calling your ex) and say things like, “Oh darn, how do you work this thing?” as if you didn’t take 300 photos that you’ll never look at again earlier that day. We do it all the time!
Nothing works up an appetite like political opinions. Everyone’s got one! The best thing you can do after we finish going on an all-knowing Trump tirade would be to ask if we voted. That’ll help move the night along real well.
Most people are nervous on first dates, but that doesn’t mean it’s their first first date, either. Likely at some point, one of you will ask how many of “these things” the other has gone on. Men tend to err on the safe side by taking the actual number of dates (but only from that app) and dividing it by seven. Each subsequent time we’re asked, we subtract two from that number. It’ll go a lot smoother if you just take out your calculator at the appropriate time. We won’t mind one bit.
The evening was going so well, and then the bill came. You both glanced at it before returning to the conversation as if it never happened. You’ll talk for another 15 minutes about things you don’t care about, hoping we’ll be a gentleman.
And since you’re in charge now, we’ll assume all the roles are reversed and chivalry is clearly dead as a doornail. Just do what we do: pay with a maxed-out credit card and — you guessed it — pretend like it never happened.
No matter how the night has been overall, we like to think it’s going to end well, don’t we? Even if we did let a few light racial slurs run loose and called you by the wrong name, we’re usually convinced it’ll have a happy ending. Just remember that if you pick up the check, you’re obviously entitled to an awkward kiss that borders on assault to anybody watching. In case you don’t realize how insane that sounds, we’re going to spell this one out for you: No means no, you know?
We hope you find what you’re looking for, but just remember, most of these dating tips were absolutely terrible ideas we would never recommend actually engaging with another real human being. On a more serious note, be safe out there and don’t kiss a guy if he doesn’t know the names of all the Beatles (even Ringo) but responds positively to Drake in the car. We don’t deserve you.
Dating may have a bad reputation for being scary and sketchy at times, but it doesn’t have to be, which is why Pickable exists. The new app looks to solve all our dating woes by putting women in the driver’s seat because, as you can see, it hasn’t worked with guys at the helm. Pickable gives women the ability to choose without the need for personal information, pictures or anything else that puts them in a vulnerable place before meeting the guy. It’s the men’s turn to trust the system and be a bit powerless (for once) in the dating world. Let’s see how much better things can be!